We survived San Lu!

Its true, after however many weeks and however many staff coming and going, its all over baby! Its been emotional! I've had a lot of fun and met some wicked people, the only question is, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO NEXT!?!? Answers on a postcard please. If I met you in San Lu, and you are reading, this then the chances are that I think you are a legend. If I know you from home, yes I am alive, sorry you havent heard from me in about 3 months! xxxx

Final final staff night out, I mean it this time

D-RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUNK
Roomies!
Roz and Nicola most definitely feeling the effects of the shot of death
Oscar pouring our shot of choice (the actual one we chose is a little fuzzy in my recollection)

It was generally a chance to drink all the booze and forget that we actually had to share the bar with the guests. I'll let the snaps do the talking!

Final staff night out!

Bond, Jon Bond
Chalet 2 laydeez (ie the cleaners)
Matt aerobics harassing young Rozzy
The 3 (girl) musketeers (not the original, Matt!) me, Nicola and Roz
Roz sporting the 'eating your shoulder' pose. Once again kids, dont try at home

The management decided to put on a big night out for us in none other than 'U Catagnu'...all of about 2 seconds from the hotel and most people go there all the time anyway. Regardless it was really fun and we got loads of food and cheap vino so we were happy! The highlight has to be when Jonny waterfront decided to test the efficiency of a spinny table by spinning it round when there were loads of drinks on it. Yes, they did all smash on the floor. Good work.

Shield your eyes

Its taken me all season to pluck up the courage to post this photo of my boss. Im sorry but I Had to do it. Just think Boy George, you're gonna have to wake up to this mug every morning in Lakitira. BURN!

ps yes that is his girlfriend
pps yes I dont know what she was thinking either

Tennis tennis tennis

Rookie Dave, Charlotte, and something blue and white that threw up on him
Steffi Gaff
So chavs play tennis too then...

The staff tennis tournament provided a chance to show your worth on the court and some truly dazzling attire that would have the wimbledon officials twitching in their tennis whites. To cut a long story short, James the runt feigned injury basically cos he couldnt be arsed to play, my partner Ben kept 'forgetting' we had a match and got drunk instead, Nicola and Greg (see chav above) had quite an impact on the tournament making it all the way to the final before falling to the might of Rookie Dave, Charlotte restaurant, and Rookie Dave's blue and white outfit monstrosity. I even managed to twist James' arm into getting us some Pimms for the final, which he did arrange...but 2 freakin jugs isnt enough for growing tennis players, LOSER!

Every night's a Tuesday night

Nicola and I have had some wicked tuesday nights working in the restaurant as Maitre d's... and they just got better and better. When my parents were out we must have drunk at least a bottle of vino each, and as Nicola finds it hard to have a conversation after a few bevvys without using highly unnecessary and over the top hand gestures, it caused a whole glass of the devils juice to go down my red armour. That was one thing. Our last night in the restaurant proved a grande one. There is a male guest here on his own who has been refused acceptance by pretty much every other guest..probably because they are put off by the strong body odour and side burns. No no, Nicola didnt get it on with him...she decided to invite him to come and eat with us. As she brought him over she 'claimed' she had something to do which meant I was on my own for at least 10 painful minutes while she stood behind him smiling, pointing and generally all the restaurant staff were laughing at the hideous social situation that I was in. After a while she felt sorry enough to come and save me and we had long chats about aircraft control and politics. No lie. We had had at least a bottle each this time so the convo was needless to say, flowing. After we made our excuses we smuggled more wine out of the restaurant and escaped through a giant fridge on to the safety of the hotel drive. It was at this point that we thought it might be 'funny' to take down all the wind breaks from the tennis courts in a highly STEALTH (you understand yet Roz?) operation under the cover of darkness. After we had taken down 3 we thought it was more like hard work and retreated to farthing wood, wind breaks under our arms, and the evidence was shoved in my room. I woke up to a mass of green and a severely confused James (not in my room...eww!).

CS Night Out

As they abused me for my robot-istic style moves for Run DMC at the battle of the bands, I have become an honorary member of the Customer Service crew. As the thought of an end of season tennis night out (ie all 2 of us) sounded as good as a train wreck, I went along with the lovely CS girls to a restaurant at the Port. It was cool being there with Roz, Nicola, Lauren and Jo, and we had quite a fun time trying out hardest not to laugh at the posing for photos by some of the other girls. Who would have thought the 'eating your shoulder and pouting' pose, fashioned so well by unnamed Welsh birds, would prove such a hit? Please note, don't try pose at home.

Squid Ink

Like the Jaeger bomb in America, I have brought home a drink from San Lu....SQUID INK! Its a general blue mess that stains your tongue and in my case my pearly whites (or not as the case may be) which I THINK includes vodka, triple sec, blue bols, lemonade and grenadine, as invented by the lovely Gaz bar, as he got imaginative with all the remaining booze from the season! At €3 you can't really go wrong..as Roz and I discovered over, and over, and over again.

The bad boy storm's aftermath

As you can see, our accomodation was flooded, the pool looked dirty (ok, dirtier than before), and the beach...was wrecked. Poor old waterfront were holding back the tears as their precious beach was soon covered in general crap including bits of wood, rocks and took absolutely yonks and a JCB to clear up. They were all right drama queens and said they should all just go home cos it was too much to clear up, the poor mites. They kept their chins up though and the highlight probably has to be PGL rescuing Jonno on a windsurf, only for them to need rescuing themselves as the rescue boat got flipped....it was proper Baywatch type stuff I tell thee.

Then the heavens opened...

When it rains in Corsica, it doesnt just drizzle a little bit, it CHUCKS it down. We're talking torrential big fat rain. So bang on cue, on my day off when I was going out in the car again with Marge and Pete, it had rained all the way through the night and didnt seem to show any signs of letting up. We went down to the South of the island hoping to get some nice weather only to realise that this was mean looking storm that was determined to wreck this island! We tried driving back up the main road to get back home to San Lu, which should take under 2 hours. About half way home we were confronted by a typically unhelpful gendarme who insisted the road was 'ferme' and there was no way of getting to where we wanted to go that day and directed us to the nearest hotel. Hell no! Being such a tennis martyr, and knowing that I simply couldnt let down all my proteges who had lessons the next day, Pete set himself the target of driving the WHOLE of the island on a different route to get home. It took about 6 hours to back and I can now say that Corsica isnt quite so attractive in the dark.

Trips out to Calvi

With Marge and Pete's visit, it meant that I could finally get out of San Poo and explore a bit more of the island. My god, Corsica is ACTUALLY quite nice. We went to Calvi in the North East of the island and then over a little bit more to the north to San Florent. Twas beautiful and made me realise that Corsica isnt a completely rubbish island deficient of McDonalds...but in fact quite nice!

Oh yeah, while I remember I now can kick arse on a windsurf...Im RYA 1 qualified baby! I did get stung by a big fat jelly fish in the process tho which was unwelcome. Oh and also I got a diving qualification! Woo! Nearly choked underwater as I tried breathing through my nose. Not a recommendation.

Parental units in da house

My parents have a pretty decent life, flitting from holiday to holiday in their retirement days, so of course it was time to give their beloved daughter a visit. They stayed in the hotel which they were pleasantly suprised at, considering I had brandished it a crap hole before they arrived.

It wasn't long however, until Margey was causing some Weaver style embarassment.

It all started with my ma interrupting a scuba diving lesson to ask whether they had any boots made of wet suit, and she then went into great detail about her sensory deficiency which took her 5 minutes to remember the name of, which also warranted pulling up a pew to get a bit more involved and fully and completely embarrass me. Thanks Nicola, who was present at said lesson for keeping a lid on the fact that she was my mother.

Its not what you know...

Giving out the staff lessons for 'free' was probably one of the greatest plans I'd had since I've been here. After giving a few different departments lessons, I realised that the true key to success was to target the chefs. Dan cooked me a gourmet meal one day to the jealousy of all the other 'general' staff in the taverna, but Potter hit back with this bad boy.....TRUFFLES! Complete with chocolate writing to express his gratitude, I was lovin it.

Cayleigh Dancing

Apologies to any Scottish readers of mon blog, I have no idea how to spell Cayleigh. Andy waterfront's parents are out this week (therefore serious Scottish spaz behaviour and proof that Andy is NOT merely a one off). His parents decided to treat us all to a night of Cayleigh dancing down by the beach bar, they had even brought all their cds of kilt shakin tuuunes! Im amazed to say that this particular art form is taught in PE classes in Scotland, beats 'dance' on a cold Monday morning, and it led to much drunken dosey-does and the Scottish contingent strutting their stuff and generally makin us English (and Welsh!) folk feel some proper prejudice! It was ssssssso much fun and the icing on the cake was clearly Andy's Dad turning up in a kilt, and his Mum using a little metal pot to get people's attention! Where's round 2?!?

Workshy

More staff lessons have been given out this week, and this one is worthy of bloggage. It was a lesson for Oscar, the perpetrator of Roz's facial injuries, and general ginger drunk who just manages every time to be a little bit odd. Here's a snap of the stud, complete with pulled up socks and accompanied by a jog to the tennis courts. He actually wasnt a bad player even tho he had put that his standard was 'pro'. I also gave a few of the restaurant laydeez a lesson, as well as a huge group consisting of Nicola and Lauren reception, Angela nanny, Matt aerobics and Vicki restaurant where I ended up losing half the balls over the fence, so slowly and surely every person at the resort will become a budding tennis player. I am being properly treated however, as I was given a gourmet meal cooked for me by Dan, one of the chefs who now has a kick ass serve. As I said earlier, Im doing only 1 hour a day of guest lessons so Ive been doing drinking, windsurfing, mincing, and trying to sort out my Neon Tan (TM) which comes as a result of wearing trainers all day long, when all the other cool kids get to wear flip flops.

What a mess

After yet another guest dinner (what a treat!) I had already consumed a fair amount of wine and I was happily sitting watching Johnny waterfront playing his guitar for the evening entertainments. In a weird twist of fate, one of the strings on his guitar broke (the G string, no lie) so we were forced to create our own amusement. WHY? For some reason I fancied a shot and I was accompanied with this BAD decision by Laura from the restaurant and Rob Nightwatch. It started with a B52 and continued on down the menu until we had completed the whole thing! Few and the brave would engage in such an activity! I'll admit the last shot, a pleasantly and appropriately named 'Flatliner', did ruin my life. I think I spat it out and then ran round the bar in an attempt to find water to get some respite from the burning of the stupid tabasco sauce, and I placed my head under the tap which the bar staff found particularly amusing. Then I think some clever person suggested that it was time to go home, which involved being escorted by Nicola and Jon Bond (waterfront) making brief stops on all fours to regain my composure as I made it back to the chalets. The rest...is a mess. Both Laura and myself were violently sick, which of course with my OCD habit I cleaned up immediately, and woke up pretty much everyone. Err..and I believe Nicola had to wash my hair. Good girl! So to sum up, it was a task that needed to be done, but I will never ever repeat. You proud of your daughter Marge and Pete?

Roz in trouble

Roz (First Aid legend) and myself have made an agreement to be 'on it' every night now until the end. Now, by 'on it', I most certainly mean to be the tipsier side of sober. The first night of our quest of course ended up in the beach bar, and then a drunken walk home ensued. Oscar, a fairly 'special' individual who is generally picked on and has had his eyebrows shaved on the odd occasion for that reason, is a bright spark who thought Roz might appreciate a piggy back for the arduous 2 minute journey back to our chalets. Of course he fell over and of course someone got hurt. Roz was scraped up royally and after a quick check she realised she was a chip short of a full tooth. We're talking front tooth, the poor girl! The next morning I woke up to see an extremely unhappy Roz sitting in reception waiting to hear back from the dentist. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of visiting Corsica...if you want anything done, it won't. It particularly won't if you're English and work for Mark Warner. With Oscar, the woman beater, at her side she made it to the dentist and amazingly she actually got seen to and had a cap put on her front tooth! This NEVER happens in Corsica believe me! In addition to this Oscars proud parents are out visiting at the moment, which is an absolute treat to have a whole family of spaz heads. We even have the added treat that Oscar's ma is a herbal therapist type woman and gave Roz some stuff for her face. The expression says it all, and I would be equally concerned because the label on the jar simply says 'healing cream'. Fair enough.

Kat = Bored

This week I'm bloody slogging my guts out. Thats right, just 1 hour a day. Ridiculous. In an attempt to fill my day I've now mastered Windsurfing (hear that Manny...I actually stayed semi-dry!) and I've started giving out tennis lessons for the staff. First up was Johnny and Laura, the waterfront couple, who in fairness were pretty good. Neither of them had back hands however so I took major pride in giving them one after merely 45 minutes. God Im good. Needless to say my boredom has been replaced with drunkenness...majorly. After Maitre D this week, Nicola (Maitre D pal) entered a pool tournament, where she nearly got past the 1st round, the little pool shark who had clearly spent a little too much time spent in Gravesend pool clubs, complete with waistcoat and slicked back hair! Then we just got nice and tipsy, ending up in Sunlight, once again, with the highlight being seeing Anthony restaurant puking on the floor after he had just done some fairly tactical and innovative dance moves with me. I guess I have that effect on men, nice touch! For some reason there were some Nannys there dressed in Pyjamas. You can imagine it for yourselves but Im sure you rather wouldnt.

Kat sacks off work

Its not that I dont want to work, but this week I have roughly ONE HOUR of work a day. Off Peak season sounds like something I could get along with. I think this calls for the next round, hee hee!

Guest Dinner, overstepping the mark

Guest Dinner, always a treat, lets be honest. A chance to get boozed up essentially. This time was different however, as I was invited by a 21 yr old lad who was here with his 'sister'. I spoke to the restaurant who said he had booked a table just for 2 in the gazeebo (for all the couples!), and I was having kittens. Was this another of Kat's greatest moments that make me want to die but everyone else finds hilarious?!? We turned up and THANK GOD he was there with his sister and some other geezer who had tagged along and it was a table for 4. So to my horror when they asked us if we wanted any wine (which I must stress is FREE) THEY WEREN'T SURE!!!!!!!! This is like, obligitory at guest dinners fro crying out loud. Anyway they gave in and we got a bottle, which I felt like I consumed the whole of, and 2 of them weren't even on the devils juice! Crazy kids. The question still remains if they were just 'bro and sis' as many people had told me they had seen him hand in hand with some one on the beach! Please tell me they had separate beds.

San Lu Ghost Town

We have reached the end of peak season, which means no screaming kids to annoy us, no Indies to keep an eye on (and laugh at them) and NO PEAK SEASON STAFF! As great it is that we've lost the kiddies, we've also had to say goodbye to some of the best staff including Manny, Rosie and Graham. This means I no longer have a room mate, and no one to share my Family Guy addiction (Oh Manny! Gigidy!) We had a good few nights out with the staff in their last week including a trip to Sunlight (Corsican pool club with booze and music, claiming its a 'club') and a last chance for them all to consume as much Pastis as they can until they go back to the land of Sambuca and McDonalds. It was an emotional affair, with Mark Warner being nice enough to give the staff a flight which meant leaving at 5am, with tears a plenty! Its really really odd around here now though which is a shame, but hopefully there is maybe one saving grace, less work means more chance for boozing! Apologies for offensive snaps (Marge and Pete!)

Miss Corsica

We live in the middle of a ghetto with only limping dogs for company and so entertainment can be fairly ropey unless you put in the groundwork! So our 'activities' crew (the work shy folk that mostly stand around the pool all day and push people in), had the fantastic idea of a Miss Corsica contest. As this is San Lucianu, of course something had to be slightly odd about it...3 out of 4 of the contestants were men. We had one male guest who looked like his 'lady friend's wardrobe had thrown up on him, then Anthony, the waitress, who had severe difficulty keeping his legs together resulting in an extremely feminine pose, complete with oranges for boobs, which he had no qualms about shoving in your face with a 'look how hot I am' expression on his face. Then we had Fraser, the restaurant manager who quite clearly had done something like this before, and had a thinner waist than most of the women in the crowd and nice rag or something wrapped around his head...nice touch. It was all in good spirits until Fraser started eyeballing the only female contestant, who fantastically turned out to be a complete psycho and even boasted a David Brent style dance in her repertoire. This is San Lu baby!

Battle of the Bands Trois

The time came again last night, for everyone to get trollied and blag that they knew a routine to a poorly chosen song, that had taken more than an hour to practice. Once again I was with the reception ladies, who aren't exactly the most creative sparks you'd ever meet. Why we didnt do our ghetto fabulous Run DMC routine I will never know, as CLEARLY doing some poorly constructed version of Dolly Parton's '9 to 5' is a lot better. For some reason 4 of us were dressed as cowgirls and the other 4 were office workers. Essentially it was a chance of some of the slightly more slagish-ly inclined reception girls to get their 'sexy' office outfits out, and us cowgirls just looked like a spare part. Not only was it rubbish, we did our routine wrong. All in all, bloody fantastic, and a well deserved last place. For those taking note, the winners were Childcare with 'like a prayer' (judges must have been under the influence and citing poor eyesight and hearing) yet the restaurant were clearly the best, Thriller slash Ghostbusters, complete with comedy marshmallow man, should never be given the humiliation of second place!

'Lazy' eye

You know the sort...one eye looking at you, the other looking for you. This would be Martin, one of the more rah rah of my students over the past 2 weeks, a general idiot. Anyway, I was slightly concerned when I was putting my hair up the other day to teach a lesson and he commented on how much better my hair looks when its down. Then came the realisation that he was a filthy perv and his 'lazy' eye certainly was fixed on SOMETHING, on every single girl in the resort, just south of the face.

The bitter aftermath!

Since 'the letter' has been written, I have engaged in a full on slanging match with our favourite runt, and I even had to resort to crying to end it with the stupid freak. Kat and tears don't usually make many appearances so it was time to do something rather than just leave him a note telling him about how his hair has developed Jim Carrey a la Ace Ventura status. So I got his letter and went to see the hotel managers, Jon and Jonny. In a typical twist of Kat fate, as I knocked on the door, the runt walks past and twigs (not so retarded as first presumed), which he wasnt happy about. Anyway I eventually managed to talk to Jonny who seemed to love the fact that the geek had finally slipped up (you can tell James is a well liked guy!), and was rubbing his hands together at the thought of disciplining the ginger freak!

The next stage was a meeting between Jonny, myself and James, where the first matter was 'what can I get you to drink, it must be alcoholic'. Now this is the type of manager I could have some time for. Essentially, as we got progressively tipsy we told each other what we thought of each other and just sorted things out. Im gonna be getting some more time off and a few extra perks and stuff which is pretty awesome. So, for the next 5 minutes, I don't hate him. Good work Jonny!

Disciplinary action!

You all know Kat well enough to understand that she doesn't really fit in with the word 'disciplinary'. Thats why this week may come as a shock to each and every one of you...but its all a big fat misunderstanding. The jist of the story is that I didn't turn up to a lesson, purely because the awkward woman and her kids, who I had been arranging the lesson for seemed to find it so hard fitting a time in, so she said just forget it. So of course I didn't turn up to the stupid lesson. Next thing, I'm pulled over by the runt to tell me that the lady had brought her kids for a lesson while I was still tucked up in my boudoir, as she presumed the kids lessons were still on the go. Ok, ok, Kat maybe should have been a bit smarter and clarified everything, but the beauty of the story is that the woman made a complaint to Head Office, so the runt decided that instead of doling out the disciplinaries, he just gave me a punishment. Oh boy, what a punishment. Room Listening. What is it I hear you cry? Essentially it is run by the nannies and they are asked to listen out at the doors during the evening to hear if any of the little kiddies are crying, if you strike gold and yours is a 'crier', you get the added bonus of walking around the restaurant like a right prat weilding a board that says 'Baby Crying in room 122' etc! Not quite in my job description. Anyway I took my punishment like a err woman and then was ready to go off to spread the love to the kids, when the runt just says 'oh dont worry about it'. Right, so I'd spent all day worrying about this and was really upset yet I was willing to pay the price and when the runt decides that all of a sudden no one needs to be punished! What a joke. So I went off on one in front of the guests which he clearly wasn't too happy about. Tough you big runt. The next morning, James the true professional left me a note that read (excuse his poor spelling)

'I thought your imature behaviour last nite was unacceptable, I had let you off room listening and thats how you reacted. Sorry that my mind wasn't on your punishment when my gf is in hospital my bad'

1. His gf has kidney stones, she'll live
2. 'Imature'...go back to school retard
3. 'my bad'??? oh ghetto gangsta.

Kat to be Gatwicked?

'Gat-wic-ked', to be sent home or to be fired.

Kat has had a brush with disciplinaries this week. Now some of the 'Indies' look a bit old and most could pass for 18, so you dont think much of them having the odd pint or 2. However, the illusive character that is Mark Warner, isn't quite so understanding. So there I was after losing a bet with an Indy, buying him a pint. Then came the realisation that he was all of 15. As staff get half priced drinks I started buying drinks for him and his pals, in attempt to be thought 'cool' by all the teens. Then I was told that I had just bought about 5 underage kids a round and I would probs be fired if I bought another. Well done Kat, always trying to be in with the in crowd!

Le Petit Oscar

This is the kid who decided he'd make my kids lessons even worse, by being French. I'm not gonna lie, my French was so good we even had secret tennis chats about things that the other kids didnt quite understand cos they were too busy being annoying and crying. I had to laugh to myself when all the other kids tried speaking French to Oscar. They seemed a bit disappointed when I explained that speaking English with a French accent wouldn't quite compute and 'passe zee ball Oscar' was lost on him. This week I'm teaching a Russian kid called Ilya, interesting that that means 'there is' in French, Im pretty certain he doesn't speak any English, which sounds about right.

Cymru am byth

How much do I love Welshies? A lot. In general they aren't so rah rah and like to have a good time and get drunk and laugh at all the other idiots with names like Kelvin Double Barreler. This week I had Jonny and Catrin, from Cardiff, who were there with their son Tom and nephew Jacob. What is it about Welsh kids? They were so cute and made my kids lessons bearable! Tom actually reminded me SO much of Kate's Tom, he even had a Gavin Henson hairdo as he was an Osprey's fan, ha! More to the point they fuelled me with drinks on their last night and we spoke about the Jack army and all things Welsh.

Runt report

I cant believe I'm going to say it but James the runt is being slightly less runtish. Ever since the 'list' was handed over he wrote out a list of solutions, which I had to do as well, and dare I say it, he is actually bearable now! Not just with me either, he's just generally being, err, nice! Everyone is finding it extremely strange I must say but for the moment I'm not complaining!

Everest

You may have noticed from preivous photos that there are huge mountains in the backdrop to the hotel, and as not many people had done it, I thought I would conquer them! After the boozy night from battle of the bands, I set off feeling slightly hungover, complete with packed lunch and camera, Kat was ready. Fair enough, my 'early' start ended up being about 1.30 in the afternoon, I was still keen! The walk starts off nicely and there's a waterfall (not quite on a scale with the monsters in Kauai of course!) where I had my Casino bought lunch, and then I carried on, being led by the bright orange markers that appear on trees and rocks and plants and what have you! Everything is fine until you lose the orange-ness and you yearn for being tangoed again, as you are in fact lost in the middle of nowhere, but when you catch the markers again your heartbeat returns to normal! I even saw Kiwi fruit growing which was strange having never thought about how they are made, my questions are now answered and I can sleep easy. The trail leads you through a few villages and spots where the locals give you a look of utter distain and disgust that you are not 'local', in that I DON'T look dirty and say things like ooh la la. I made it to the top of the mountain which took about 4 or 5 hours, it was at that point that my jubilation of getting to the top was replaced with the horror that I was actually going to have to walk down it as well. Here's where it all gets a bit dodgy. I walked down the other side of the mountain which was a lot greener, and a lot freakier ie it seemed like the set of 'the Hills have eyes'. Complete with a weird little shack where the head mutant clearly plots his next massacre of keen tourists, things also got a little more 'wild'. Thats right, my domination of the mountain also involved me having to defeat wild ponies, bulls, cows, rabid limping dogs with blood thirsty fangs, and my personal fave, wild boars. Not being sure of the position of human-wild boar relations in these modern times, I greeted them with caution and I even had to break up a boar fight. The leader of the pack, who had a black ring around his eye, presumably from the last human encounter, clearly wasn't too keen on me but I managed to pass that hurdle. Phew. The whole thing took roughly forever, and I got back just before I couldn't see anything at about 9pm. Mental, and my legs were telling me that for the next 3 days.

There you go Margey

These are for you Marge, I know you get sick of me having friends and bombarding you with drunken photos of them. This is the beach at our resort, we work right on it! Not bad at all!

Kids....and how much I hate them

Somehow this week I've ended up with loads and loads of kids for my group lessons as well as privates. Hmm, what a pickle. Scenario 1...my 'boys' group, all about 7 years old. 6 of the most terrifying and hell raising kids you've ever met, and one of them is only bloody french. Using all the Franglais that I could muster I had to do the lesson in English and then for all the French speakers in the crowd for le petit Oscar. I lost sympathy for the little Frog when he started climbing the fence and nearly reached the top. Clearly something was lost in the translation. Scenario 2... a little boy called Harry, 5 years old, looks like butter wouldn't melt. Thats how they always seem at first, and then they talk. He hit me in the boob with a ball and then delivered the bombshell and told me to 'DIE'. I felt like a right Mum as I took him to one side and told him how its generally not nice to tell people to die and if he did it again then no more tennis for him. In addition to all this I've had tears and general hoodlum behaviour. Oh and the parents of these little beauties are all swingers! Everyone of them, I swear!

Wax on Wax off

It started with Manny stupidly signing a blank bit of paper. On the other side of the paper there was a note that said 'I AGREE TO A FULL BODY WAX'. Most people would say no but Manny stepped up, all in the name of charity, to have everything waxed from the neck down, ouch. The whole of the chalets could hear screams of pain all night long, but all the girls here would agree that waxing is the way forward as he does look pretty good with those smooth legs! We raised over 100 Euros at one point I think! Wow!

Battle of the Bands Part Deux

Now the runt and I decided (probs for the best) that a 2 man effort would be a big fat mess like before, so I was recruited by the lovely reception girls who were doing Run DMC and needed an 8th person to do the robot. Im actually impressed that it was really really good and we all dressed up like chavs (photographic evidence) and had a dance off involving pirrouettes (is that right...?!) and a bit of girlish breakdancing! The restaurant did ghostbusters which involved lots of ghosts and the restaurant manager dressing up as the marshmallow man which was a blinder. It was pillows a plenty. The chefs did a nice (and somewhat ridiculously well prepared) version of Queen's 'Dont stop me now', complete with Freddie Mercury and killer moustache. The winners from last time, the nannies, did a sister act job which was good but by far the best was waterfront, who are usually too drunk to put one foot in front of the other. They did some song which is supposedly from Coyote Ugly called 'devils came down from Georgia' where we had all the girls dressed as angels and all the boys in red body paint and boardies as the devils. It was SO good, err except they broke one of the tennis racquets that they were using as a violin, in half at the end. The runt will NOT be pleased! Ha! That explains why some of the lads are looking decidedly 'hot' in the snaps! PGL (Swansea legend) looks a bit queasy in this one! All I know is that I was woken up by Tom and PGL waterfront at 7 this morning when they were having a big and necessarily loud debate about the trouble with getting red body paint off.

The list, again!

I've rewritten the list and given it to the runt and currently he said that he agrees and disagrees with what I said, which is progress! We're going to have an informal meeting, involving drinks no less! I have to write a solution for every bullet point that I made...this could take a while.

News Flash

Its always nice when someone compliments your coaching or something like that, so I was over the moon when the Dad of this family that I had been coaching came up to me and told me what his 6 year old daughter had said about me. She asked him 'Is Kat a princess, because she's so pretty?' and then added the bombshell, 'Kat is my best friend, alongside God and Jesus'. Hear that folks, Im right up there.

Uniform

Arriving half way through the season means only fatties can be catered for in the uniform stakes, thats why my top is so huge on me. Fortunately as they only gave me one skirt I am rebelling by wearing my own, check it out Kate, fresh off the streets of Santa Monica if you remember! I do have another uniform though which is pink and white and matches my shoes perfectly!

Team Scotland!

This is L-R Ruth (waterfront), Roz (First Aid), Graham (waterfront and very gorgeous) and Becca (Viva, the beauty salon). All in all Scotland are well respresented here, I thought the Welsh were patriotic but this is ridiculous! This is all from a staff night out the other night to some bar where there was free wine and food. Ouch, clearly Kakalina was suffering.

MANNY!

Real name James, his nickname here is 'Manny' due to the fact that he is a Male Nanny. Or maybe its just one of those names that you never quite figure out why he's called that and you never realise that the name on his birth certificate could be anything else! He is tres funny and very rarely sober. Seeing him asleep on a bit of grass is not unfamiliar and prompts parents to ask such questions as 'What is your real name and will you really be looking after my children'? Genuine concern, and quite rightly so! Apologies that I feature so heavily in all these snaps!

Rozzy

This is Roz, another legend, this time Scottish however. She's a good laugh and after working as a lifeguard for 7 weeks has switched to working first aid where she gets to dole out plasters til her hearts content. Good girl!

Roomies!

This is me and Rosie, shes the Head of Indies (the teenage hoodlums basically) and we share a room. Its cool a) cos we came on the same day and b) cos she's going out with someone so spends all her time in his room, so when I stumble back in the early hours I dont have to worry about being quiet!

Staff Night Out!

Here is myself and Nicola, my Maitre D buddy! She is in fact, a legend, she's even got the credentials that she's a first aider from Gravesend. Nights out in Amadeus are all set. She makes my Tuesday nights in the restaurant seating lary guests a lot more amusing as she usually negotiates a free bottle of wine for us and we have to do 'table speeches' where we plug any special events going on. One night she made a joke to a whole table of guests about how there was no wind for sailing ....'yeah it kinda took the wind out of my sails, boom boom'. Yes, she actually used the boom boom. Therefore, legend.

THE LIST

As we speak I am losing it about how truly rubbish my manager is. Rather than just go off on a rant about him I have started to compile a list of my 'concerns' about his managerial skills which is growing in length with every time he calls me 'Crazy kat'. The main reason for my increased annoyance towards the runt is as a result of a million different things this week, mostly due to the way he made me give a FREE lesson, and then at the welcome meeting he booked himself 12 private lessons and just 1 for me. Hmm thats fair, oh and add that to the way that we are supposed to share all our group lessons, but he is far too busy for any of that nonsense so I have to do more than him. Oh and he's trying to grow a goatee. Oh and the other night when he was working the Duty Manager shift, when we were all tipsy watching the lightning, he was walking around clutching his big fat torch of authority telling everyone to stop being so drunk and bring in all the boats from the water. He was properly in hero mode and was hilarious to watch. Oh how much I dislike him!

We are sailing, we are sailing!

I thought that on my day off I would do something constructive down with all the cool, and somewhat work shy, dudes that work out on the waterfront. I thought I'd try my hand at a bit of sailing, under the guidance of Chris, one of the sailing instructors. To be fair, I kicked ass and I was tacking and jibing like there was no tomorrow! It was actually a lot of fun and I enjoyed it more than wakeboarding cos I actually felt like I was doing something and I was properly in control of the boat! Woo! However of course there was the odd 'mishap' in the form of me capsizing...a couple of times..but all the nannies who were out sailing with their kids all laughed at me which was hilarious! Ha ha!

Lets Do A Bunk

I may have mentioned that out of 120 original staff, 60 have left. Ouch. So the topic of quitting is pretty much always on the table at this resort and people are always threatening to be 'Gatwicked'. There are plenty of reasons to be miserable in this resort but when we're all together its a lots better and we have a laugh. However, the root of all evil at this resort, relationships, has caused quite a stir this week! Fleur, one of the waitresses (who swore she would never leave!) broke up with Ben, the biggest idiot in the resort, and decided she was gonna leave. She then managed to convince the slightly homesick Harry, who's a sailing instructor, that he should leave with her. THEN Lara (who I'm really good mates with and she's been going out with Harry for all of about 8 days) got wind of this and then went to speak to Harry mid shift. Next thing I hear is that Fleur, Harry and Lara have done a bunk with all their stuff and were aiming to get to Bastia where they would get a boat to the South of France, where Fleur's aunt lives. All in all, a bit of a shocker, considering there was no point in Lara going and Im a bit annoyed that she didnt even say goodbye! Note to girls, stay away from lads, they only get you into trouble! She better be regretting it as we speak.

My Proteges

This week I have a lot of really really teeny tiny kids for lessons. Im pleased to say that my group lessons were moaning when I said I had a day off today and asked if they could have double the time after my day off. Then this other kid said to me 'I've had 36 tennis lessons in my life, and that was the best Kat'! God I'm good. Back to the adults, I have the usually dosage of absolute idiots in my adults group, you've never seen so many air shots. On another note, in our object tennis event that takes place every week (where we use frying pans against the guests, to play, not to cook), we lost for the first time ever. Im pleased to say that it was all James the runt's fault, partly cos he never left me hit a ball, even though I was armed with my amstel beer tray!

There be thunder in them mountains

Just behind the resort are the huge mountains that make up for how crap this place is and generally look pretty nice! However, geographers get excited, in the afternoons the clouds form up over these bad boy mountains and usually provide a bit of a windy overcast feel, which I LOVE of course cos its cooler for work, and sometimes it causes a bit of rain. But when we get REALLY lucky, its thunder and lightning time! Despite the fact that this causes James the runt to go psycho and tell everyone that the tennis courts are 'unplayable and like an ice rink' and I have to check their playablilty every 30 minutes, it looks absolutely amazing. On Tuesday night we all sat on the sun loungers in the dark on the beach and watched the lightning out at sea over some of the other islands and it was absolutely stunning. We're talking forking and everything!