Battle of the Bands Trois

The time came again last night, for everyone to get trollied and blag that they knew a routine to a poorly chosen song, that had taken more than an hour to practice. Once again I was with the reception ladies, who aren't exactly the most creative sparks you'd ever meet. Why we didnt do our ghetto fabulous Run DMC routine I will never know, as CLEARLY doing some poorly constructed version of Dolly Parton's '9 to 5' is a lot better. For some reason 4 of us were dressed as cowgirls and the other 4 were office workers. Essentially it was a chance of some of the slightly more slagish-ly inclined reception girls to get their 'sexy' office outfits out, and us cowgirls just looked like a spare part. Not only was it rubbish, we did our routine wrong. All in all, bloody fantastic, and a well deserved last place. For those taking note, the winners were Childcare with 'like a prayer' (judges must have been under the influence and citing poor eyesight and hearing) yet the restaurant were clearly the best, Thriller slash Ghostbusters, complete with comedy marshmallow man, should never be given the humiliation of second place!

'Lazy' eye

You know the sort...one eye looking at you, the other looking for you. This would be Martin, one of the more rah rah of my students over the past 2 weeks, a general idiot. Anyway, I was slightly concerned when I was putting my hair up the other day to teach a lesson and he commented on how much better my hair looks when its down. Then came the realisation that he was a filthy perv and his 'lazy' eye certainly was fixed on SOMETHING, on every single girl in the resort, just south of the face.

The bitter aftermath!

Since 'the letter' has been written, I have engaged in a full on slanging match with our favourite runt, and I even had to resort to crying to end it with the stupid freak. Kat and tears don't usually make many appearances so it was time to do something rather than just leave him a note telling him about how his hair has developed Jim Carrey a la Ace Ventura status. So I got his letter and went to see the hotel managers, Jon and Jonny. In a typical twist of Kat fate, as I knocked on the door, the runt walks past and twigs (not so retarded as first presumed), which he wasnt happy about. Anyway I eventually managed to talk to Jonny who seemed to love the fact that the geek had finally slipped up (you can tell James is a well liked guy!), and was rubbing his hands together at the thought of disciplining the ginger freak!

The next stage was a meeting between Jonny, myself and James, where the first matter was 'what can I get you to drink, it must be alcoholic'. Now this is the type of manager I could have some time for. Essentially, as we got progressively tipsy we told each other what we thought of each other and just sorted things out. Im gonna be getting some more time off and a few extra perks and stuff which is pretty awesome. So, for the next 5 minutes, I don't hate him. Good work Jonny!

Disciplinary action!

You all know Kat well enough to understand that she doesn't really fit in with the word 'disciplinary'. Thats why this week may come as a shock to each and every one of you...but its all a big fat misunderstanding. The jist of the story is that I didn't turn up to a lesson, purely because the awkward woman and her kids, who I had been arranging the lesson for seemed to find it so hard fitting a time in, so she said just forget it. So of course I didn't turn up to the stupid lesson. Next thing, I'm pulled over by the runt to tell me that the lady had brought her kids for a lesson while I was still tucked up in my boudoir, as she presumed the kids lessons were still on the go. Ok, ok, Kat maybe should have been a bit smarter and clarified everything, but the beauty of the story is that the woman made a complaint to Head Office, so the runt decided that instead of doling out the disciplinaries, he just gave me a punishment. Oh boy, what a punishment. Room Listening. What is it I hear you cry? Essentially it is run by the nannies and they are asked to listen out at the doors during the evening to hear if any of the little kiddies are crying, if you strike gold and yours is a 'crier', you get the added bonus of walking around the restaurant like a right prat weilding a board that says 'Baby Crying in room 122' etc! Not quite in my job description. Anyway I took my punishment like a err woman and then was ready to go off to spread the love to the kids, when the runt just says 'oh dont worry about it'. Right, so I'd spent all day worrying about this and was really upset yet I was willing to pay the price and when the runt decides that all of a sudden no one needs to be punished! What a joke. So I went off on one in front of the guests which he clearly wasn't too happy about. Tough you big runt. The next morning, James the true professional left me a note that read (excuse his poor spelling)

'I thought your imature behaviour last nite was unacceptable, I had let you off room listening and thats how you reacted. Sorry that my mind wasn't on your punishment when my gf is in hospital my bad'

1. His gf has kidney stones, she'll live
2. 'Imature'...go back to school retard
3. 'my bad'??? oh ghetto gangsta.

Kat to be Gatwicked?

'Gat-wic-ked', to be sent home or to be fired.

Kat has had a brush with disciplinaries this week. Now some of the 'Indies' look a bit old and most could pass for 18, so you dont think much of them having the odd pint or 2. However, the illusive character that is Mark Warner, isn't quite so understanding. So there I was after losing a bet with an Indy, buying him a pint. Then came the realisation that he was all of 15. As staff get half priced drinks I started buying drinks for him and his pals, in attempt to be thought 'cool' by all the teens. Then I was told that I had just bought about 5 underage kids a round and I would probs be fired if I bought another. Well done Kat, always trying to be in with the in crowd!

Le Petit Oscar

This is the kid who decided he'd make my kids lessons even worse, by being French. I'm not gonna lie, my French was so good we even had secret tennis chats about things that the other kids didnt quite understand cos they were too busy being annoying and crying. I had to laugh to myself when all the other kids tried speaking French to Oscar. They seemed a bit disappointed when I explained that speaking English with a French accent wouldn't quite compute and 'passe zee ball Oscar' was lost on him. This week I'm teaching a Russian kid called Ilya, interesting that that means 'there is' in French, Im pretty certain he doesn't speak any English, which sounds about right.

Cymru am byth

How much do I love Welshies? A lot. In general they aren't so rah rah and like to have a good time and get drunk and laugh at all the other idiots with names like Kelvin Double Barreler. This week I had Jonny and Catrin, from Cardiff, who were there with their son Tom and nephew Jacob. What is it about Welsh kids? They were so cute and made my kids lessons bearable! Tom actually reminded me SO much of Kate's Tom, he even had a Gavin Henson hairdo as he was an Osprey's fan, ha! More to the point they fuelled me with drinks on their last night and we spoke about the Jack army and all things Welsh.

Runt report

I cant believe I'm going to say it but James the runt is being slightly less runtish. Ever since the 'list' was handed over he wrote out a list of solutions, which I had to do as well, and dare I say it, he is actually bearable now! Not just with me either, he's just generally being, err, nice! Everyone is finding it extremely strange I must say but for the moment I'm not complaining!

Everest

You may have noticed from preivous photos that there are huge mountains in the backdrop to the hotel, and as not many people had done it, I thought I would conquer them! After the boozy night from battle of the bands, I set off feeling slightly hungover, complete with packed lunch and camera, Kat was ready. Fair enough, my 'early' start ended up being about 1.30 in the afternoon, I was still keen! The walk starts off nicely and there's a waterfall (not quite on a scale with the monsters in Kauai of course!) where I had my Casino bought lunch, and then I carried on, being led by the bright orange markers that appear on trees and rocks and plants and what have you! Everything is fine until you lose the orange-ness and you yearn for being tangoed again, as you are in fact lost in the middle of nowhere, but when you catch the markers again your heartbeat returns to normal! I even saw Kiwi fruit growing which was strange having never thought about how they are made, my questions are now answered and I can sleep easy. The trail leads you through a few villages and spots where the locals give you a look of utter distain and disgust that you are not 'local', in that I DON'T look dirty and say things like ooh la la. I made it to the top of the mountain which took about 4 or 5 hours, it was at that point that my jubilation of getting to the top was replaced with the horror that I was actually going to have to walk down it as well. Here's where it all gets a bit dodgy. I walked down the other side of the mountain which was a lot greener, and a lot freakier ie it seemed like the set of 'the Hills have eyes'. Complete with a weird little shack where the head mutant clearly plots his next massacre of keen tourists, things also got a little more 'wild'. Thats right, my domination of the mountain also involved me having to defeat wild ponies, bulls, cows, rabid limping dogs with blood thirsty fangs, and my personal fave, wild boars. Not being sure of the position of human-wild boar relations in these modern times, I greeted them with caution and I even had to break up a boar fight. The leader of the pack, who had a black ring around his eye, presumably from the last human encounter, clearly wasn't too keen on me but I managed to pass that hurdle. Phew. The whole thing took roughly forever, and I got back just before I couldn't see anything at about 9pm. Mental, and my legs were telling me that for the next 3 days.

There you go Margey

These are for you Marge, I know you get sick of me having friends and bombarding you with drunken photos of them. This is the beach at our resort, we work right on it! Not bad at all!

Kids....and how much I hate them

Somehow this week I've ended up with loads and loads of kids for my group lessons as well as privates. Hmm, what a pickle. Scenario 1...my 'boys' group, all about 7 years old. 6 of the most terrifying and hell raising kids you've ever met, and one of them is only bloody french. Using all the Franglais that I could muster I had to do the lesson in English and then for all the French speakers in the crowd for le petit Oscar. I lost sympathy for the little Frog when he started climbing the fence and nearly reached the top. Clearly something was lost in the translation. Scenario 2... a little boy called Harry, 5 years old, looks like butter wouldn't melt. Thats how they always seem at first, and then they talk. He hit me in the boob with a ball and then delivered the bombshell and told me to 'DIE'. I felt like a right Mum as I took him to one side and told him how its generally not nice to tell people to die and if he did it again then no more tennis for him. In addition to all this I've had tears and general hoodlum behaviour. Oh and the parents of these little beauties are all swingers! Everyone of them, I swear!

Wax on Wax off

It started with Manny stupidly signing a blank bit of paper. On the other side of the paper there was a note that said 'I AGREE TO A FULL BODY WAX'. Most people would say no but Manny stepped up, all in the name of charity, to have everything waxed from the neck down, ouch. The whole of the chalets could hear screams of pain all night long, but all the girls here would agree that waxing is the way forward as he does look pretty good with those smooth legs! We raised over 100 Euros at one point I think! Wow!

Battle of the Bands Part Deux

Now the runt and I decided (probs for the best) that a 2 man effort would be a big fat mess like before, so I was recruited by the lovely reception girls who were doing Run DMC and needed an 8th person to do the robot. Im actually impressed that it was really really good and we all dressed up like chavs (photographic evidence) and had a dance off involving pirrouettes (is that right...?!) and a bit of girlish breakdancing! The restaurant did ghostbusters which involved lots of ghosts and the restaurant manager dressing up as the marshmallow man which was a blinder. It was pillows a plenty. The chefs did a nice (and somewhat ridiculously well prepared) version of Queen's 'Dont stop me now', complete with Freddie Mercury and killer moustache. The winners from last time, the nannies, did a sister act job which was good but by far the best was waterfront, who are usually too drunk to put one foot in front of the other. They did some song which is supposedly from Coyote Ugly called 'devils came down from Georgia' where we had all the girls dressed as angels and all the boys in red body paint and boardies as the devils. It was SO good, err except they broke one of the tennis racquets that they were using as a violin, in half at the end. The runt will NOT be pleased! Ha! That explains why some of the lads are looking decidedly 'hot' in the snaps! PGL (Swansea legend) looks a bit queasy in this one! All I know is that I was woken up by Tom and PGL waterfront at 7 this morning when they were having a big and necessarily loud debate about the trouble with getting red body paint off.

The list, again!

I've rewritten the list and given it to the runt and currently he said that he agrees and disagrees with what I said, which is progress! We're going to have an informal meeting, involving drinks no less! I have to write a solution for every bullet point that I made...this could take a while.

News Flash

Its always nice when someone compliments your coaching or something like that, so I was over the moon when the Dad of this family that I had been coaching came up to me and told me what his 6 year old daughter had said about me. She asked him 'Is Kat a princess, because she's so pretty?' and then added the bombshell, 'Kat is my best friend, alongside God and Jesus'. Hear that folks, Im right up there.

Uniform

Arriving half way through the season means only fatties can be catered for in the uniform stakes, thats why my top is so huge on me. Fortunately as they only gave me one skirt I am rebelling by wearing my own, check it out Kate, fresh off the streets of Santa Monica if you remember! I do have another uniform though which is pink and white and matches my shoes perfectly!

Team Scotland!

This is L-R Ruth (waterfront), Roz (First Aid), Graham (waterfront and very gorgeous) and Becca (Viva, the beauty salon). All in all Scotland are well respresented here, I thought the Welsh were patriotic but this is ridiculous! This is all from a staff night out the other night to some bar where there was free wine and food. Ouch, clearly Kakalina was suffering.

MANNY!

Real name James, his nickname here is 'Manny' due to the fact that he is a Male Nanny. Or maybe its just one of those names that you never quite figure out why he's called that and you never realise that the name on his birth certificate could be anything else! He is tres funny and very rarely sober. Seeing him asleep on a bit of grass is not unfamiliar and prompts parents to ask such questions as 'What is your real name and will you really be looking after my children'? Genuine concern, and quite rightly so! Apologies that I feature so heavily in all these snaps!

Rozzy

This is Roz, another legend, this time Scottish however. She's a good laugh and after working as a lifeguard for 7 weeks has switched to working first aid where she gets to dole out plasters til her hearts content. Good girl!

Roomies!

This is me and Rosie, shes the Head of Indies (the teenage hoodlums basically) and we share a room. Its cool a) cos we came on the same day and b) cos she's going out with someone so spends all her time in his room, so when I stumble back in the early hours I dont have to worry about being quiet!

Staff Night Out!

Here is myself and Nicola, my Maitre D buddy! She is in fact, a legend, she's even got the credentials that she's a first aider from Gravesend. Nights out in Amadeus are all set. She makes my Tuesday nights in the restaurant seating lary guests a lot more amusing as she usually negotiates a free bottle of wine for us and we have to do 'table speeches' where we plug any special events going on. One night she made a joke to a whole table of guests about how there was no wind for sailing ....'yeah it kinda took the wind out of my sails, boom boom'. Yes, she actually used the boom boom. Therefore, legend.

THE LIST

As we speak I am losing it about how truly rubbish my manager is. Rather than just go off on a rant about him I have started to compile a list of my 'concerns' about his managerial skills which is growing in length with every time he calls me 'Crazy kat'. The main reason for my increased annoyance towards the runt is as a result of a million different things this week, mostly due to the way he made me give a FREE lesson, and then at the welcome meeting he booked himself 12 private lessons and just 1 for me. Hmm thats fair, oh and add that to the way that we are supposed to share all our group lessons, but he is far too busy for any of that nonsense so I have to do more than him. Oh and he's trying to grow a goatee. Oh and the other night when he was working the Duty Manager shift, when we were all tipsy watching the lightning, he was walking around clutching his big fat torch of authority telling everyone to stop being so drunk and bring in all the boats from the water. He was properly in hero mode and was hilarious to watch. Oh how much I dislike him!

We are sailing, we are sailing!

I thought that on my day off I would do something constructive down with all the cool, and somewhat work shy, dudes that work out on the waterfront. I thought I'd try my hand at a bit of sailing, under the guidance of Chris, one of the sailing instructors. To be fair, I kicked ass and I was tacking and jibing like there was no tomorrow! It was actually a lot of fun and I enjoyed it more than wakeboarding cos I actually felt like I was doing something and I was properly in control of the boat! Woo! However of course there was the odd 'mishap' in the form of me capsizing...a couple of times..but all the nannies who were out sailing with their kids all laughed at me which was hilarious! Ha ha!

Lets Do A Bunk

I may have mentioned that out of 120 original staff, 60 have left. Ouch. So the topic of quitting is pretty much always on the table at this resort and people are always threatening to be 'Gatwicked'. There are plenty of reasons to be miserable in this resort but when we're all together its a lots better and we have a laugh. However, the root of all evil at this resort, relationships, has caused quite a stir this week! Fleur, one of the waitresses (who swore she would never leave!) broke up with Ben, the biggest idiot in the resort, and decided she was gonna leave. She then managed to convince the slightly homesick Harry, who's a sailing instructor, that he should leave with her. THEN Lara (who I'm really good mates with and she's been going out with Harry for all of about 8 days) got wind of this and then went to speak to Harry mid shift. Next thing I hear is that Fleur, Harry and Lara have done a bunk with all their stuff and were aiming to get to Bastia where they would get a boat to the South of France, where Fleur's aunt lives. All in all, a bit of a shocker, considering there was no point in Lara going and Im a bit annoyed that she didnt even say goodbye! Note to girls, stay away from lads, they only get you into trouble! She better be regretting it as we speak.

My Proteges

This week I have a lot of really really teeny tiny kids for lessons. Im pleased to say that my group lessons were moaning when I said I had a day off today and asked if they could have double the time after my day off. Then this other kid said to me 'I've had 36 tennis lessons in my life, and that was the best Kat'! God I'm good. Back to the adults, I have the usually dosage of absolute idiots in my adults group, you've never seen so many air shots. On another note, in our object tennis event that takes place every week (where we use frying pans against the guests, to play, not to cook), we lost for the first time ever. Im pleased to say that it was all James the runt's fault, partly cos he never left me hit a ball, even though I was armed with my amstel beer tray!

There be thunder in them mountains

Just behind the resort are the huge mountains that make up for how crap this place is and generally look pretty nice! However, geographers get excited, in the afternoons the clouds form up over these bad boy mountains and usually provide a bit of a windy overcast feel, which I LOVE of course cos its cooler for work, and sometimes it causes a bit of rain. But when we get REALLY lucky, its thunder and lightning time! Despite the fact that this causes James the runt to go psycho and tell everyone that the tennis courts are 'unplayable and like an ice rink' and I have to check their playablilty every 30 minutes, it looks absolutely amazing. On Tuesday night we all sat on the sun loungers in the dark on the beach and watched the lightning out at sea over some of the other islands and it was absolutely stunning. We're talking forking and everything!

Ooh look at the view!

Ok I'll admit that although the beach is crap, myself and the runt get a beautiful view of the mountains from our tennis courts! This does make the hotel look really nice, if you turn around from these photos you see the derelict building that is, the hotel. Keep checking and I might treat you one day! Ha ha!

Nights on the Raz

The usual chain of events (drunken spiral of decline) starts at the beach bar in the hotel. Gaz here is showing his shot making prowess in the beach bar where we all get half price drinks, bargain! Then its a 20 minute walk to town (Moriani Plage) where we go to a 'club' called sunlight. Yes, the pool table is pretty much the most exciting part of the night. Roz (lifeguard) looks extremely happy to be there!

Log cabin!

Probably the worst photo ever taken. Mines the messy side of course.

Stray City

On my round the world tour I have spotted limping dogs in Caernarfon, and here is no exception. Take a look at this specimen. I found this panther like creature lurking around the tennis courts in the dead of night and is one of many. Its not uncommon to have a giant dog running around the beach bar and sniffing all the guests of an evening. Fair enough!

Retarded Players

I've had my share of them and quite frankly Ive had enough. When you're nursing a hangover and your 'student' completely misses the ball for a serve, you lose sympathy and finding the breath to say 'nearly there, keep trying, maybe next time you'll actually hit the ball', is a chore. This week it is in the form of Ursula, a 40 something doctor who wouldnt say boo to a goose and is generally afraid of everything, including the ball, and most definitely me. She is the perpertrator for swatting flies and generally making my coaching skills look laughable. The best thing about this woman is that she actually keeps her spare balls down her top. Fruit Loop.

Panic Over

Everyone can rest easy now as our hero James the runt is back at work. Having not even received a thank you for covering his lessons and err, his ass, he is back at the helm and I am back being his dogsbody. Im ready to punch this boy! This snap is of James and one of his group lessons, I thought I wouldnt scare you with a picture of his face just yet.

'Exhibition' Match

Tired of the average turn out for our exhibition matches being roughly 3 peope and a few stray limping dogs, I decided to do something about it. The set up is usually myself and James the runt playing against the guests in doubles games, and as yet we are unbeaten. So now my name is Tetris I decided to offer a wager with some of the waterfront folk. If they could get 30 people to come to the exhibition match then they could play the tetris theme tune whenever they wanted during the match and I had to do the robot for them. So I was shocked that practically all the staff who werent working and one of the huge kids groups showed up! James the runt didnt have a clue what was going on but he certainly wasnt amused. It turned out that we had to play each other in a singles match and Im not kidding, he properly tried to kick my ass. In fairness he did but the robot was bloody hilarious even if I do say so myself. He didnt even smile throughout the whole match so the lads with the Ipod found a tune for him....'Mr Blobby'. He saw red. Expecting a disciplinary coming my way I just told him to get lost and get a sense of humour. I think he was annoyed that it was the biggest turn out ever for the exhibition, gutted you runt!

'Tetris'

That is my new name around here. Everytime any member of staff walks past the tennis court they sing the tetris theme tune, regardless of whether im teaching and it makes the guests think Im slightly strange, and its all due to my robot antics a couple of weeks back. Anyway I somehow made a wager that if Tom from waterfront could get 20 people to come to the exhibition match this week, they could play the tetris tune and I would do the robot for them. So we shall see, hopefully James the runt will be back by then and he can find the whole thing thoroughly inappropriate!!! Ha ha!

Sick Note

Last week James the runt decided he was too ill to work for one afternoon so I had to do all mine and his lessons, now this was tough I'm not gonna lie. I thought that was bad. Then the horror of all horrors happened....he was hit in the head by a tennis ball. By a kid no less. Anyway this has brought on much illness in the form of sickness, headaches and general annoying questions like 'how do I look, I feel like I've been hit by a train'. So he only bloody went to the doctor and got signed off work for 2 DAYS! This means that I have to do ALL of my lessons plus his the idiot! The poor prat has decided to go for a head scan, probs to confirm that he has no brain, yet even tho Kate and I were bashed over the head with a baseball bat, of course the hypocondriac will suffer major major brain damage due to the savage beating from the child. So where does this leave Kat? Well I fashioned myself a name badge which simply said 'Manager', and I even wrote a note about lesson changes in reception and drunkenly wrote on the bottom of it, 'Thanks, Kat, Tennis Manager'. Petty you might think but the thing is that James constantly refers to his superiority and even calls himself the 'manager' so I thought I'd milk it a bit and the results were awesome!

Rocky Times for our SuperStud

Yes, James the runt does have a girlfriend as I said last time...but not any more my friends! Apparently he was the dumper which defies sense because being as butt ugly as he is, she was about 10 times hotter than him and she should have been the one to give him the push. Which gives me further evidence that she is clearly slightly mentally unstable. Anyway since then I think they might be back on, but I dont think anyone knows or actually cares!

Feedback

Ah feedback...a chance for guests to voice their opinions in the form of a little leaflet where they generally moan about how crap the hotel and food is, but they get to praise the staff til the cows come home. Last week I got 4! This week I was equally successful and James the runt only got ONE! Measly!

Day Off

It feels like its been ages since Ive been stuck in this resort so myself and a few of the girls decided to go the nearest large town, Bastia, in the North of the Island. We all met outside the shacks and even tho James lives in the hotel, word had got out and he had managed to effortlessy tag along with us. I was so annoyed! Day off means a day off from tennis and everything to do with tennis, including the biggest tennis geek in the world, James the runt. We went for lunch in a restaurant and then went shopping which was good but when Etam is the best shop there, I wasnt that interested!

Drunk Guests

Drunk guests are a bloody goldmine. The straps around the wallets are significantly loosened and they become much more inclined to helping out a staff member who walks past without a drink in hand. Even better is when you actually TALK to them! Free drink city! It really is pretty cool and the other night a group of blokes who had left their wives in bed in an attempt to handle their midlife crises came to the beach bar and it was shots a plenty with us girls who are half their ages. Needless to say it was pretty messy and tough to handle as I sweated it out on court the next morning.

'Full Moon' Party

Despite the fact that Corsica is a pretty backward island (no McDo for crying out loud) and is generally behind in the times, AND our resort is out in the sticks where someone farting is front page news, some bright spark decided to stage a full moon party near to our hotel. It was quite fun as it was essentially mark warner staff and a few freaky corsicans getting down to some french techno 'music'! By about 2 I was sick of the drunkeness and even tho there was a band set up it didnt play! Im glad I snuck in the back entrance waiving the 5 Euro entry. I must mention that there was no full moon either.

Maitre D

This little extra special treat was certainly not what I bargained for. After being on court from 8am to 7pm I was then ordered by James the runt to get changed into my evening mark warner attire including red hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts. All extra large as well. By about 7.30 I had to start seating guests in the restaurant, telling them the specials, taking wine orders and other such fancy jobs as relaying tables. I thought my waitressing days ended at the windmill pub but evidently not. I have a new found respect for the waitresses and I realise that compared to them my job is pretty awesome! Plus I was rewarded with eating the yummy food from the restaurant rather than the crap cuisine that we get for the staff and I get to do it all with Nicola, the first aider who is in fact a legend so makes it a little less painful! PLUS WE GOT WINE! 1-0!